rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
