I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
