so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
