I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
