Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
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