he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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