He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
