So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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