maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dignity is for republicans.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
