Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize