weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
