good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
