yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
