It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
