Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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