She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm like, not good at living.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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