I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
