I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
