just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
