KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
