if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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