I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
