just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
