covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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