I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
