We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
