I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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