Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
