I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
