so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
