I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
