Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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