my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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