from now on my penis is your penis
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
