Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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