Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Randomize
