Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I hope mine doesn't look like that
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
