He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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