I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
