if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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