Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
