even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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