i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The air was thick with penises
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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