I'm so fucking centered right now
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
