I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So squirting runs in the family.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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