If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
