You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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