Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If I die, sorry about rent.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
