sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
