Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
