i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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