watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
