Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
