Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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