as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
