Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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