i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Girls should come with a carfax report
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
