im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
